My entire life I have always adapted to whatever the situation mandated I be. I am the child of divorce, abandonment and abuse. I was never granted the luxury of a childhood. I am the oldest of five children and assimilated quickly to the obligatory responsible, Type A, control freak persona that came with my birth order and they were exaggerated by my mom bailing on us when I was seven.
I’ve spent an absurd amount of time trying to discern whether my personality and interest would be different if I had a “normal” childhood. It’s been a fruitless pursuit. The fact of the matter is all of my life experiences make up who I am now and it can all be used for God’s glory. What I was really searching for is the freedom one feels when they remove their mask and reveal their true identity. The problem is not knowing who that person is.
I am reminded of a scene from the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts and Richard Gere. Julia Roberts’ character is forced to acknowledge she assimilates to the many men she is engaged to (not at the same time) when she realizes she orders her eggs the same way they do, all different. If you haven’t seen the movie this scene analogy may seem weird but I think it’s weirder you haven’t seen the movie. Get on that stat! Anyway, in search to find out what she really likes she orders eggs made every which way and does a taste test. It was the beginning of her self-discovery.
This my friends is what I have been doing lately. I’ve been taste testing life, literally and figuratively. I have been working from a blank slate starting with the very basics. For example, if you were to ask me my favorite color I would immediately say red. It’s always been red. The truth is I love slate blue and burnt orange.
I know figuring out your favorite color is stupidly simple but it has been the foundation in finding my true identity. I’m not sure I can give you a description of who she is because I am still a work in progress but I am becoming freer with every truth revealed about myself.
There is joy in knowing your identity can only be found in Christ and the freedom we are searching for comes from living out that truth.