I didn’t think it would be so hard, returning to blogging, but it has been. Every time I sit to write a blog post I just stare at the screen. I don’t have writers block. I have plenty to say. The problem, as always, is my tendency to overthink.
I have dreams, goals, a voice, and enough content stored up in my brain to keep me busy for months. The truth is I am scared. It’s weird because I am not a stranger to vulnerability. I do however, reek of insecurity and self-sabotage.
I took much-needed time away from the world at large to care for my husband, Ricky, when he was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy at the end of 2015. I said no to almost everything except teaching bible study to be available for doctor appointments, procedures, and maintain a sense of normalcy for our children.
During lent I read Isaiah 6:8 “Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me.” After I read those words I put my head in my hands and sobbed.
It’s been a year since Ricky received his pacemaker. It’s my time to come out of hibernation, to join the world again. I got on my knees and cried out to the Lord. I confessed my sins, praised him for his presence throughout Ricky’s ordeal, and then boldly uttered the words, “Here am I. Send me.”
You know what? He is. He is sending me to do the things fear has kept me from. Things that make me need to get over myself and trust Him.
Listen, there is nothing more terrifying than having your husband look you in the eyes and go over everything you need to know “just in case” because we don’t know what a procedure might reveal. Yeah, because I conquered that kind of fear whenever I am asked to do something I feel is orchestrated by the Holy Spirit I say yes.
I continue to second guess myself and feel inadequate. My knee jerk reaction is still to say no. I get overwhelmed and struggle with balancing ministry and housework. I am constantly scared but I keep going and doing anyway.
And so, I sat down looking at the blank screen and said, “Here am I. Send me.”