Originally Posted May 2014
In full disclosure, I am writing this post in protest. I really didn’t want to sit here and write another woe is me, I didn’t have a mother growing up, Mother’s Day makes me want to curl up in the fetal position and sleep until it’s over, but I am a mother too and my kids very much want to celebrate me so I don’t kind of post.
I’m writing this post for all the other moms out there who must balance their personal struggles with their own blessings of being a mother.
I don’t want anyone to have to minimize the pain this day brings because of guilt or fear of judgment. I especially don’t want any mom to feel alone in their pain. For that reason, I sit here today to share my woes.
Even drug addicted, verbally abusive, should not be allowed to be mothers, moms stayed and raised their kids because in their own weird and twisted way love their daughters. I know I am better off because my mom did leave but I ache for all the what ifs, the whys and I am reminded of the pain being raised motherless has caused.
I have also been wrecked by the movie Heaven Is for Real. There is a scene in the movie when the little boy was in heaven and met his sister whom his mom had miscarried. It caught me off guard and cried, no, I sobbed uncontrollably in the theater with my entire family surrounding me.
I deal with the pain of having miscarried a child alone. It’s not something we talk about and the kids don’t know. It’s not because we are avoiding it or pretending it never happened. It’s because life has moved on and we are smack dab in the middle of raising the kids we have been blessed to have.
The fact that I have never given thought to having a child in heaven opens all kinds of wounds and guilt. I have spent the last thirteen years mourning for a child miscarried but nothing more. A few days ago, I confessed to Mr. C that the movie wrecked me (I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way) and he simply said, ‘Me too.”
Then you know there is my normal I miss my dad like crazy emotions that this day brings.
I have spent many years trying to be normal on this day. The funny thing is the pain associated with this day is my normal. I have learned to accept this but refuse to allow myself to dwell in the pain.
The Bible tells us we are going to have trouble in this world but during those troubles we are told to seek rest in the Lord because only He could give us peace. I know this to be true.
This Mother’s Day I will seek the Lord first. I will place my pain at his feet and encompass His truth. I will give praise for my story. A story that has allowed me to use my past to shape me into the kind of mom I am today. I will delight in the Lord because he has already give me the treasures of my heart. They call me mom.