I have a habit of binge watching shows I have watched a billion times over. I like to have noise in the background while I go about doing my housework. I have a problem with silence. It’s too loud. That’s an issue we can discuss another day. My current obsession is Bones.
Recently there were a series of episodes where Angela was starting to miss her true self. When the show started she was a free spirit, blow with the wind, artist but she built her career doing forensic facial reconstruction for the Smithsonian to help the FBI solve murders. Although she loved her job she lost the part of her that made her feel free.
You guys, I cried watching these episodes. They hit a nerve of an ongoing theme in my life lately. A yearning to be free. I have a desperate desire to be who God created me to be instead of who I think I should be.
Last year I was faced with the realization that I could lose my husband. There were so many unknowns as we navigated his cardiomyopathy diagnosis. The test, the waiting, the procedures, the life vest and ultimately a pacemaker were all part of the process.
There are many life lessons that were learned during that time. One of which was the way I treated my husband. I became the wife I’ve always wanted to be. It’s funny how loving one can be when faced with death. What is not so funny is how quickly you revert once the imminent fear of death is gone.
The second he was on the mend I went into a deep depression. I spiraled quick but because I recognized the warning signs and anticipated this bout I voluntarily put myself back on anti-depressants. I still haven’t found the right formula that works so I had to fight hard to get back to par.
While I was fighting my mind wandered down dark and twisted roads. I saw so clearly who I had become. The me who was created out of need, self-defense, survival and lies. As I slowly crawled my way back I started to take inventory of the me I wanted to be. I had to force myself to go back to my basic self. I had to allow myself to remember what made me feel the most free starting in childhood.
Today I am no longer on my meds and my depression is at bay for now. My husband is 8 months post pacemaker and his heart is getting stronger. I have a renewed sense of purpose. I saw a glimpse of the wife I could be and I use that as motivation each day to find ways to get back to the basics of who I am.
It feels like I woke up one day and decided to be a better version of me. The truth is it has been years of deep soul searching to get to a place of action. The action part is key.